


a million miles away

by aukusti



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Confessions, First Kiss, Light Angst, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-09
Updated: 2019-11-09
Packaged: 2021-01-25 15:53:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21358792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aukusti/pseuds/aukusti
Summary: "A million times. I would tell you how loved you are, a million times."
Relationships: Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji
Comments: 5
Kudos: 101





	a million miles away

Eiji stared up at him, big eyes filled with confusion for only a moment before flitting down to the hand over his mouth.

“Ash?” is what he tried to say, muffled by Ash’s palm which was only shaking the tiniest bit.

They had been talking about—about _something_, Ash hadn't known what, lost in the lilt of Eiji’s voice when he went off on a tangent, and all he knew was he really wanted to kiss him.

It wasn't unusual for Ash to lose himself in his thoughts like this, full of wanting to reach out and hold Eiji’s hand, to press a kiss to the crown of Eiji’s head, the sweet murmur of _I love you_ heavy on his tongue every time Eiji’s lips so much as twitched upwards in a smile.

He had bit his tongue this long, he wasn't about to let up now.

…is what he had thought before Eiji placed his hand on Ash’s thigh. “Are you alright?” he had asked, inquisitive and soft, and it took all of him to not jump at the contact.

“Sorry, I just…” Ash scrambled for the words in his head, trying to think of all the ways to answer without worrying Eiji further or having to confess right there. “…have a lot on my mind. I'm fine.”

Eiji’s lips curled downwards, not quite a frown. “Ash, please do not lie to me. You've been… off. What's wrong?”

Ash wondered if it'd begun when Eiji started to take his clothes as if he didn't have a closet full of his own, or when their hands had kept brushing against each other for a week straight every time they were outside, or perhaps—

Eiji’s mouth opened once more, eyebrows furrowed. “Talk to—” and then whatever he was going to say was swallowed by Ash’s palm.

Which is where they were now.

“I need,” Ash was growing more mortified by the second, “a moment.”

Eiji relented, giving him his moment as Ash covered his face with his free hand, the other unmoving over Eiji’s mouth. Eiji watched as a shaky exhale escaped him before Ash looked back up, jade eyes clouded over with something he couldn't quite name.

“Okay,” Ash said, to himself. He looked at Eiji this time. “Okay.”

“Okay?” Eiji tried to say, voice still muffled by Ash’s hand over his mouth. The vibrations seemed to tickle him, hand curling up a bit over his nose before pulling it away entirely.

So maybe he _was_ about to confess right there. Or something. His heart felt like it was going to jump out of his chest and abandon the rest of him with the way Eiji was looking at him.

“Sorry,” is what he ended up saying again, and Eiji was frowning for real this time. He didn’t speak even as the crease between his eyebrows grew deeper. Ash wanted nothing more than to reach out and smooth it over with a delicate touch, the only way he knew how to do anything when it involved Eiji.

Ash didn’t flinch when Eiji’s hand covered his palm, because he knew this was the only way Eiji knew, too.

Veil lifted, words ready, Eiji spoke. “Will you please say something?”

“I shouldn’t,” was what Ash responded. He was bursting to add, _I shouldn’t say anything because you’re one of my best friends, the best person I know, and if I say something you won’t want to be anything to me anymore_.

And yet, Eiji clicked his tongue. “Yes, you should. I will not move until you do.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Ash.” Eiji’s voice was full of worried exasperation as he tentatively moved his hand to Ash’s wrist, slender fingers wrapping around it and rubbing small circles into his skin. “I will listen. If you will let me, I will listen.”

His mouth went dry. All he tasted was sandpaper, all he felt was Eiji. All he could do to ground himself was put the hand that had been over Eiji’s mouth on top of the one that was holding onto him, swiping a finger over his knuckles.

“You,” Ash started, and Eiji’s gaze seemed to grow sharper in an instant, “are one of the best people I've ever had in my life. And I don’t think that I... deserve that.”

Eiji's mouth opened in what seemed like protest, but Ash’s hand rose back up to his mouth again. “Just... hear me out. And then forget about it. Hopefully.”

Even though he knew Eiji wouldn’t, because Eiji never forgot anything, he continued. “I know we’ve had this conversation before. It's just...” Ash freed Eiji’s mouth of its confines, running both his hands over his face roughly. “Really frustrating. I want to feel like I'm good enough to know you, to deserve you at all, even your friendship... but I don’t think I do.”

“A million times,” Eiji said simply, and it startled Ash how easily he let his hands be moved away from his face, only to find Eiji staring into his eyes with all the conviction in the world. “I would tell you how loved you are, a million times.” Ash’s heart lurched.

Eiji continued. “Even if you do not feel deserving, you are my best friend.” His hands went to hold Ash’s face, and he tried not to shiver. “I want you in my life. I want you to feel like you deserve what I feel for you, too.”

Ash felt as if he were in a trance. He didn’t notice the moment Eiji had gotten so close, that he could feel his breath tickling his cheek. He inhaled sharply.

“Eiji.” His voice was barely above a whisper.

“You are caring,” Eiji said, voice firm as his thumb grazed over Ash’s cheek lightly. His other hand dropped from his face to hold his hand on the couch and squeezed it tenderly. Ash’s free hand was balled up tightly in his lap. “You are kind. Your soul is too sincere for it to feel a burden beyond your years.”

“You cannot scare me away, Aslan.” Eiji leaned forward to fully rest their foreheads against each other. “I know you.”

He doesn’t know what guided him forward, if it was the mere proximity between them, or Eiji’s words, or Ash being tired of holding back. _Just once_, he thought. _Let me find out what this feels like, just once_.

Their lips met, and he didn’t expect Eiji to press back so sweetly.

It took his breath away, in a good way, in the best way, to finally stop wondering how Eiji’s mouth would feel like against his every time he saw him put on strawberry lip balm he teased him over.

And then it seemed over too quickly for his liking, but Eiji simply went back to pressing their foreheads together again. He was smiling this time.

“So,” Eiji said. His tone was less serious than it had been before. “You just wanted to kiss me?”

“That’s—”

Leaning away from each other, Ash prepared to scowl before seeing the look on Eiji’s face. It was relaxed, all parts teasing and more full of affection than he was prepared to see. His protests died on his tongue.

“You could have asked, you know.”

“To kiss you?” Ash asked incredulously.

Eiji huffed. “If _I_ wanted to kiss you.”

“Oh.” Ash felt like he might combust. “Did you want to? To… yeah."

"Yes,” he said simply. “I _do_.”

Eiji’s words seemed to hang in the air before Ash let out a breath. “I meant what I said, Eiji. I think you should ask other people if they want to kiss you.”

“I could,” Eiji said, which made Ash flinch involuntarily. “But what if I want to kiss you? Would you still think that?”

“You know what I think.” He turned away from Eiji, back facing him. He wasn't sure how his insides were holding themselves up. “You deserve someone good, better than me, someone—”

A warmth was pressed against his back then, Eiji’s warmth, and he wanted nothing more than to press back into it, to let himself be lulled into another world where he wasn't the person he was in the present. “Ash.” Eiji's voice was exasperated. “Ask me what I want. Right now, ask me what it is I want.”

He felt like his resolve might shatter, along with the rest of him. “Eiji.”

“Ask me, Ash.”

He took a deep breath, counted to five. “What… do you want?”

“I want for you to look at me.” Eiji's voice was steadfast, solid in ways he wasn't sure he'd ever be able to match. “Please.”

So he turned around, looking into eyes he felt could rival the moon, and waited.

Eiji’s voice was quiet. “Now… now tell me how you feel. I know how I feel about you, Ash. Let yourself know, too.”

“You’re…” How could Ash even begin to describe his feelings for Eiji? How did he say that he was everywhere, even when he didn't want him to be, when he knew he shouldn't be? Or tell him he was the last thought in his mind before he went to bed and the first in his head in the morning? How do you give someone love that was broken?

“Everything,” he breathed out. Eiji seemed to soften in front of him. “You're everything, and how do I not ruin _everything_? I can't do that to you, Eiji.”

“Who says you will?” The defiance in his voice nearly made Ash jump. “I can handle myself, Ash. There is nothing I would do if I did not want to, and I want this. I want you to trust me.”

“I do.” Looking down at his hands, one still held by Eiji, he could practically still see the blood staining them, staining every part of his life. “It’s me I don’t trust.”

“But I do,” Eiji insisted, and Ash could only glance up at him helplessly. “You have taken care of me more than I have ever expected. Let me take care of you, too.”

He was so tired. So tired of fighting his feelings, too many private wars living in his head when he had enough to deal with outside of it.

Ash slumped against Eiji, unmoving even as Eiji let out a small noise of surprise and his hand came up to curl against the nape of Ash’s neck. It should be this simple, if sheer instinct was anything to go by.

“Promise me,” Ash started, moving to lay his forehead on Eiji’s shoulder. “You’ll tell me if I do something. Or... anything else. If I mess up.”

“I tell you everything.” Eiji was playing with the back of his hair, occasionally swiping a finger against his neck. “You should tell me everything, too.”

He huffed, shaking his head. Eiji squirmed a bit when the longer parts at the front tickled his neck. “I’ll think about it.”

“What about kissing?” Eiji asked, and Ash nearly choked. “Is kissing okay?”

“Uh,” was all Ash said.

“Ash. Can I kiss you?”

Straightening up, he took a breath before looking at Eiji. “Yeah. Yeah, you can kiss me.”

And Eiji smiled, looking warmer and more inviting than he should have, before placing his hand on Ash’s cheek and leaning in.

Not even the brightest of days or sweetest of springs could compare to Eiji Okumura.

**Author's Note:**

> this started as one thing and ended up being something entirely different by the time i finished  
i hope this flows well.. i mostly wrote it past midnight  
find me on twitter! @hanayo  
title from the moon song by karen o
> 
> (this is a reupload)


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